It was two and a half years ago now that my world fell a apart. Not for the first time. I have spoken of this before and won't bore you with details but the Cole's notes of it is this.... I found myself, very suddenly, single & broken hearted and without a home or a job. I had given up my apartment, sold or given away all of my household "things" furniture, dishes etc., quit my job and followed a path that I thought, at the time, was exactly right (kinda sorta exactly right anyway - but that part I'll come back to another day).
What's a girl to do?? Say a prayer of gratitude for having been born into the family that I was that's what. I went home. At age 32, after having lived 10+ years on my own in the big city, I moved back home. I was miserable about it and determined that it would be short term. I didn't want to put a dresser in the room because there was no need for me to unpack more than the utter essentials. My friends were in Toronto and I was figuring out how I could get myself back there ASAP.
But I am not going back.
In the past two years I have grown and changed in ways that then, I had no way of even imaging. My core desires have not changed but the details sure have. What I had wanted then was to go back to all that was familiar. That's not a bad thing. I still see that as quite logical and I understand my wanting that. After all in a time of need, having your friends too far away for an impromptu Ben & Jerry's date or a tall "Jules Cobb Styling" glass of wine made an already tough time feel lonely too. I was afraid of starting from scratch.
I tried and tried and tried to see having nothing and no ties as a new beginning. I wanted to feel that having no ties to any city or any job meant that I was free to be or do or become anything. I wanted to feel that way but I was s-l-o-w to get there. I had a lot of crappy beliefs about myself that were standing in the way of feeling excited. I was in my 30's after all geesh. I was supposed to have so many of these details already figured out. I should have a career and an "independent from my parents" home. I should be in a great relationship and be at least talking marriage and babies. I was the furthest from any of those things that a girl can be. But slow and steady prevailed again.
It took real effort to learn to be OK with where I was. But I did it. It seemed like a bit of a cop out to be taking it "one day at a time" but that's what worked for me. It was tough work letting go of what I thought I had wanted and figuring out what it is that I really DO want. But I did that too. That part is on-going and is turning out to be a whole lot of dreamy fun.
This week, I collected the last few things from that bedroom in my parents house. And as I finished vacuuming the floor putting it back as I had found it 2+ years ago I felt a huge rush of emotion run through me. So huge that I had to just sit for a min and just stare. I was sad to be leaving this room. I had been sad to come to it and now I was sad to be leaving it. What had once felt so uncomfortable about this space had transformed into something so different and I hadn't even really taken notice. That space helped me to heal my wounds and was now sending me back out into the world.
Over time my perceptions of not only myself but of the big scary world out there have changed. My broken heart has healed and everything looks different. I am seeing through these same eyes but time has helped me to refocus them.
"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes
but in having new eyes." ~ Marcel Proust
What do you look at now and see so differently than you did once before?? How have your perceptions changed over time and altered the ways in which you feel about a space, a situation or another person?? Did you realize right away that nothing outside of yourself had really changed?? Are you able to see how your personal perception of a thing, space, situation or person is a powerful reflection of what you have going on inside?? Do you understand that with a little effort and some time you can change that perception and feel whatever way you want to feel about anything??
I would, as always, be both happy and grateful to have you share your thoughts and experiences either here in the comment below or over on my Facebook page. I invite you to connect and inspire or be inspired by each other. It's wonderful to be independent and able to do it on your own, but it's even better to know that you don't have to.
With loving light and a warm smile,
Kate
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