It's Scary Stuff

There are two kinds of fear.  Fears that are rational and that are there to keep us safe, and those that are irrational and hold us back in life. 

Rational fears can be healthy. They are the ones that keep you from wandering too close to the edge of a the roof, or from jumping into Niagara Falls.  They are the instinctual auto responses that your body provides to help keep you alive. I vote, listen to them. 

But then there are those other fears. The slightly irrational ones that keep us from experiencing and from growing beyond that which we already know. These are the stage fright fears that makes public speaking terrifying. The nervous stomach that keeps you from letting loose on the dance floor. The shy side that keeps you in your seat instead of approaching that handsome man across the room. The unsettled worry that creeps in when you think about quitting your job and pursuing something new and different. 

When a fear presents itself we can find ourselves quite quickly at a fork in our road. A point where a decision of some magnitude is required in order to move on.  So what should you do when you find yourself at this point in your path?? 

First, a quick assessment of the situation.  Ask yourself, 'What is it that is happening right now and are there risks to my well-being involved??' If you find yourself at the edge of the roof of a 10 story building, might I suggest that yes, there is risk to your well-being and that it is a healthy and rational fear that is telling you to back away from danger.  But, if you find yourself in a situation where, although scary in the moment, there are certain precautions or behaviours that you can adopt to keep yourself safe while engaging in what will ultimately prove to move you beyond where you currently find yourself to be feeling stuck..... I say go for it!! Take the new job even though public speaking may be something scary that you will have to learn to do. There are meditations to help calm your nerves, or practice classes that you can take to train yourself in a new skill. Go ahead, get up in front of a crowd of strangers and dance. Let the music move you because the free feeling of fun will be well worth it. Approach that handsome man and risk opening your still healing heart to a new relationship. (On a personal note, that last one took me giving myself more than one real pep talk, but it has been the most rewarding risk I have ever taken. A longer story for another day) 

There are MANY stories about successful people who seem to have appeared from thin air.  So many household names of the now famous and successful who really were anything but magical in the achieving their goals. Household Diva Martha Stewart was a stock broker before she became the authority on anything creative, but she could fold a fitted sheet even then. College drop out George Clooney picked tobacco and worked as a shoe salesman in Cincinnati while being passed on for stage roles, but he kept practicing and auditioning.  Authour J.K. Rowling was fired from her secretarial job for daydreaming too much while at work, but she went on to write down her day dreamy thoughts. Though I haven't spoken to any of these three personally I would wager that there was a certain amount of fear that they had to assess and then decide to move beyond before they began to live the experiences that we now know them for. 

What I want to share with you this week, is that fear is a natural state. And yes some fears are for real reasons. But then there are those sneaky other ones. The ones that if we really want to move beyond, we can. With a little planning, some creative out of the box thinking, and a certain amount of patience and practice, we CAN move beyond.  Trying and failing does not mean it was not  meant to be. It means that it was not meant to be right now. It means that there was something to be learned and practiced first. 

Remember the exhilarating rush of pride in yourself that you felt after you completed your first piano recital or your first karate exam?? THAT is the feeling of moving beyond irrational fear. THAT is expansion. 

You came to this world to live and live you shall. 

May you let only the most rational fears be the ones to hold you back. 

What is something that you have pursued, failed at and tried again?? How did it feel when you failed and how did it feel when you finally succeeded??  When have you moved beyond a fear that felt irrational to find success?? Was it worth the effort??

Make a Change and Have it Stick

Worry Wart. Control Freak.  Neither of those titles make me feel beautiful. Its not who I would choose to be if I had a choice (You can exhale now. That was my old way of thinking, I have moved WAY beyond that. I know that I have a choice and that I was choosing to be that girl, I just wasn't doing it deliberately).

There were so many long and over whelming years where I felt that "worry wart" or "control freak" was who I was destined to be. When I truly felt out of control in my depression I began controlling all that I felt I could control. My hair was spiked and never out of place ( it changed colours a few times too),  I had my nails done my apartment was clean at all times. Later, my way of working around my feelings of overwhelm was to develop those traits into something awesome and name them as a strength. I became the ultimate planner and a multi-tasker extraordinaire.  I thought that that kind of re-naming and re-framing would make it all better. And it did. Kinda sortta. For a little while.

I have been identifying with those titles with a sort of super hero strength for as long as I can remember now. I have even used those identities in job interviews to sell myself as the exact perfect hardworking and dedicated candidate to take on any task delegated to me. In each job, as well as in my personal life, it became a sort of exhausting mantra to think that no matter how full my plate was I must be the one to take on the extra projects because I could do the best job.  Hmmmm sounds confident. But really - that was me undervaluing myself and being really afraid to be under valued by anyone else. I didn't feel like I would be thought of as enough unless I was your go-to person with all of the exact answers to everything.

I managed in a busy restaurant for almost 10 years and I was good at my job. I am smart and I have common sense and after a while, when the same scenarios would replay, I did in fact have many of the answers at my finger tips. But I still came in early and stayed late. I was the manager who had my schedules posted, my files up to date, and my orders placed but I ALSO took care of uniforms, new hires, guest complaints, daily financials that weren't adding up and staff payroll. I went to the bank for change, I bought flowers for the lobby, I planned the extra curricular and team building events, I made a big deal over you on your birthday and I did it for the entire restaurant staff.  Oh, and I put together one heck of a staff party twice a year. And as exhausted as I was, I didn't actually want anyone's help.

Stepping out of my worry wart, control freak shoes has been a real challenge. Giving up that part of me took some real and conscious efforts but once I realised that those titles were not actually rooted in strength but in fear, making a change seemed the only option for me. The more I dug into my Law of Attraction studies the more I realised the cyclical nature of this beast too. The more I felt I needed to worry or to control, the more the Universe would give me to worry about or control and so on and so on. I could be running on this hamster wheel for the rest of my life if I didn't jump off while I still had the energy to do so.

If you have read this far and are still with me I would guess that you know exactly (or something really really similar to) the experiences and feelings that I am describing and may be inclined to know how I did it/ am doing it (it's always going to be an on-going point of growth for me)

So here is what works for me when I want to make a change,

• First Find clarity about what I want. - Worry wart and control freak titles were not it. I knew that. So I used those as starting places to decide what it was that I did want. Knowing what you don't want can be helpful in narrowing things down to what you DO want. Then you focus there.

• Second Re-frame my language. -  I began with "Up until now I have been a bit of a control freak in my life, and now I am in the process of realigning my priorities to create the experience I really want".

• Third  Allow myself to feel the pleasures I expect to find in those new experiences without any strings and do it ASAP. - I wanted to feel more peace and more confident FOR REAL. I knew I was in charge of making it happen. I started allowing myself to feel that way even for just a few minutes at a time as often as possible (tougher to do than to say but that is a whole other thought to be shared on an other day in an other post)

• Next  Continue to write my story. -  I try really hard to remember to show gratitude for the bumpy road that has brought to me this place where I am now and that makes it easy to get excited about where I might be headed. I write my story now from the point of view of the heroine, an empowering point of view that reminds me that every good story has events that must be moved through and overcome before the quiet girl transforms into the powerhouse she is.

Not one of those steps works without the others. And not one of them is a one time event. They work together like a recipe for the peaceful mind I have found and have brought to the surface my understanding and true knowing of my own value. Whew. It was buried deep but finding it has been better for me than any other hidden treasure I could have unearthed.

Best news of all, that same personal understanding of our real value and love is each of us. Some of us have buried it a little deeper than others, under our many hurts, limiting beliefs and protective habits, but its there. And when we are able to stop working so hard at pushing down the pieces of us that we don't like we will be able to release the good parts of ourselves that are being hidden underneath. To not have to work so hard at staying on that hamster wheel seemed like a distant dream not so many moons ago but boy o boy does being able to relax a little feel even more beautiful than I thought.

Your turn. Are there titles or identities or habits that you have let go of, are in the process of letting go of, or dream of letting go??  What is working for you and/or where are you getting stuck??  If we each use and share our own experiences and work together we can all find our way back to that value filled place of love and peace. Because seeing as many people as absolutely possible be in that value driven and loving place is my dream of us all, I invite you to openly share your thoughts and experiences here in the comments below, over on the Facebook page or email me directly with your question.  I promise to answer each and every note that I receive.

Your Good Stuff is There, Hiding in The Details

I am not sure if its the modesty of the Canadian or the young girl part of me that feeds that quiet and wistful feeling that I used to get while watching others (to be real, sometimes I still do get that "I wish I had ____", but in the last few years I have really begun to truly love my life so I wish to be someone else a whole lot less often these days). Or if it is because I am like so many in my generation who are simply afraid of so many things that we aren't as quick to be our real selves as we would like to be. 

This generation seems to be afraid of almost everything. And not in an "afraid of the dark" sort of way but more of a "damned if I do damned if I don't" sort of way. We are afraid of failure and also of success. Afraid of being alone and of being in a relationship. Afraid of staying in one place and of change. Afraid to try, and afraid of not doing. Afraid of blending in yet afraid of standing out. Without being grounded in any way, or sure of where you are right now, moving forward feels like the shaky steps of a child. Shaky to stand still and shaky to step forward. Tough one. 

Too afraid to talk about it (afraid to be the only one who doesn't have it all figured out and equally afraid to be a part of a whole generation that doesn't have it all figured out) many of us find ourselves "faking it".  And where does that take us....????  To a place where we are afraid that someone might find out that our confidence is more smoke and mirrors than anything else. That we aren't who they think that we are.  And so we continue to be actors in the Play that is our lives. 

So now that you're here, acting in this leading role, how do you find that piece of your character that is real??  I say, start small. There is no reason to let this feel so big and over powering. Small is where it is at.  The magic and the miracles are hiding in plain sight. You will find them in the details. You just have to take a moment to look and you will find them. I promise. (There are not many things that I will promise to an open audience but I promise, that if you look in the details, you will find at least 1 something awesome hiding right there is plain sight) 

Your starting place....???  Keep that part simple too. Start with what you take for granted. 

Here is one of those email poems that has maybe made its way to your inbox too. I don't always even open these types of notes, but this time, do yourself a favour and read it to the end. 

Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman and wished I were as beautiful.

When suddenly she rose to  leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.

She had one leg and used a  crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile.

Please forgive me  when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine.

I stopped to  buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm.

I talked with  him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm.

And as I  left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind.

It's nice  to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind."

Please  forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is  mine.

Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I  knew.

He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know  what to do.

I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join  them, Dear?"

He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't  hear.

Please forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is  mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go. With eyes to see the  sunset's glow.

With ears to hear what I'd  know.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

Could you see yourself as the poet on the bus, buying candy or talking to the child, taking your blessings for granted??  It's not uncommon for many of us to look at someone else and wish we had what they have, when really we have no idea what package we just wished for. Often it's because we only see the part of that actor's Play that they allow us to see. Likewise, I am sure that though perhaps unbeknownst to you, there are people out there who have wished to be you.

To me that doesn't feel like a very productive use of anyone's creative and magnetic energies. 


Instead I invite you to look at what is filling your glass even if it's just to half full. What is it that you have got going on that rocks?? What do you have figured out for real??  What do you take for granted??  Start there. Say a Thank You for it. Because there is someone out there wishing that they had that very thing. 


You really have been blessed with things worthy of your attention. And by giving your attention to those good things your life begins to fill with more and more things that feel as good. That part isn't magic, its the way the Universal Laws work. And because Fear and Love live in the same space within us each, if you are filling that space with love, there is no room for fear. That my friend, is when you will find yourself no longer acting but confidently living as the real you, and making real and meaningful wishes.


Your turn.

Do you sometimes catch yourself looking at someone else and wishing to trade them spaces??  

When you look at your details, what is 1 blessing that you can find that is worthy of your attention??

I'd love to hear what you think. Maybe it's your comment that will be what inspires another to look at their own details. Use the comments section below or come join us over on Facebook.